Ever since I can remember I have done anything in my power to avoid situations that could possibly end up in me getting hurt. It’s become of way of living and I hate myself for letting it get to this :(
So many of my friends and people I know have said directly to me or implied that they think of me as a strong and wise person. They come to me for advice. I’m a rational person so I give them a rational answer and I guess they mistake that for wisdom. I know nothing about life. I have never had my heart broken because I have never let anyone get close enough to me to let that happen.
I’m a sensitive person, but don’t show it because that would put me in a vulnerable position.
I’m not very sure of myself, especially around guys. I’ve never had a boyfriend or even just a male friend. When I talk to guys I can’t relax. It doesn’t even matter if I’m interested in them or not. I assume that they think I’m ugly and thoughts like “I hope he doesn’t think I’m flirting” pop up immediately followed by “… because I do know I’m not good enough for him”.
When guys do show interest I get freaked out and assume the worst; that they’re just looking to get laid.
People mistake me for being responsible. In most cases I’m not. I only do the responsible thing because I’m scared of what people will think of me if I don’t. When making descions I always consider what people are going to think of me and I often choose not to do something because of that.
I have build up this armor around me and when I try to tell people how I feel it’s as if they don’t believe me because I don’t break down crying when I say it. The only reason I don’t is because I’m so used to put up a brave face and when I talk about how I feel iI distance me from myself and it’s as if I’m talking about another person. I avoid crying because I don’t want to burden other people with my problems.
I feel stuck and it’s an awful feeling. I want to take chances, not care about what others think of me, but most of all I want to be vulnerable. I want to be in love. I want to have my heart broken because that would mean I put myself out there.